Why me?

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the “why me?” feeling, but lately, that’s all I can think of. Why does he have to be away from me when I need him the most each and every single time? Why does my brother have to get dragged into the reserves during the worst time? Why can’t he understand that my family needs me during this time? Why can’t I find a project in China now? Why can’t things go back to the way they used to be? WHY?

I have many questions, but no answers. I hate crying, but I can’t help it. If I can’t even cry to the one person that I’m supposed to grow old with, then whom can I cry to? Acting tough is really hard, but I have to hide all my fears and worries so that the ones I love won’t feel worse. I admit that I’m weak, and maybe I’m just a self-pitying fool. But, can’t we just let loose and cry it all out every once in a while? I can’t keep all these emotions pent up forever. I know crying doesn’t help anyone or anything, but at least it makes me feel better at this moment. I want to curl up by his side, but of course, all I get for my vulnerability is insensitivity. I get that this is not part of his plan, and I get that this is not what he wants. But, can’t he at least *try* to understand??? Everything is part of God’s plan, and I can’t question it. All I can do is pray, but I don’t know when my prayers will be answered. Why does everything have to happen at the same time? I just want a normal life… Nothing fancy, just plain, old ordinary life.