A New Chapter in Life

It's 6:39am. And, he's really gone. On board the 6:55am flight on route from San Jose to Chicago, where he'll get on another flight to go to his final destination. I know we probably could have sued. Not sure if we could have won or not, but we could have fought this more. In the end, he sucked it up and went through with it. I know many people would question my rationality, but I believe we can't fight it if it's God's plan. Everything will fall into its place.

We may think that it’s by our own strength and skill that we make our way, but who do we think gave us our abilities? (Deut. 8:17-18) And, if He knows and meets the needs of the flowers and the birds, how much more will He do the same for us?

Matthew 6: 25, 26-27, 33-34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear ... Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Trust in the Lord for giving him all that he needs.

Why me?

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the “why me?” feeling, but lately, that’s all I can think of. Why does he have to be away from me when I need him the most each and every single time? Why does my brother have to get dragged into the reserves during the worst time? Why can’t he understand that my family needs me during this time? Why can’t I find a project in China now? Why can’t things go back to the way they used to be? WHY?

I have many questions, but no answers. I hate crying, but I can’t help it. If I can’t even cry to the one person that I’m supposed to grow old with, then whom can I cry to? Acting tough is really hard, but I have to hide all my fears and worries so that the ones I love won’t feel worse. I admit that I’m weak, and maybe I’m just a self-pitying fool. But, can’t we just let loose and cry it all out every once in a while? I can’t keep all these emotions pent up forever. I know crying doesn’t help anyone or anything, but at least it makes me feel better at this moment. I want to curl up by his side, but of course, all I get for my vulnerability is insensitivity. I get that this is not part of his plan, and I get that this is not what he wants. But, can’t he at least *try* to understand??? Everything is part of God’s plan, and I can’t question it. All I can do is pray, but I don’t know when my prayers will be answered. Why does everything have to happen at the same time? I just want a normal life… Nothing fancy, just plain, old ordinary life.